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PHASE 2: Damn, that doesn't seem normal. Definitely don't have to shit. Maybe that milk was outdated. It'll go away.
PHASE 3: Shit, that's real pain now. No imagining that. I need some Maalox or Tums.
PHASE 4: Man, I gotta get home. Something is wrong. Wonder what it is? Ouch.
PHASE 5: OMG, why is that girl wearing so much perfume? Do I smell flowers? And that man's breakfast on his breath? Oh God, all these smells. Why are they so strong? I feel so sick. Oh God, please don't let me throw up!! Please! I hate throwing up!
PHASE 6: Shit, I'm gonna throw up. My mouth is watering and I'm getting that weird fuzzy head feeling. Oh God here it comes in 3-2-1.
PHASE 7: Maybe I'm not sick. Maybe I'm gonna feel all better now because whatever was messing with me is out now. Ya, I feel pretty good now. Whatever it was is gonna pass...
PHASE 8: FUCK!! I gotta throw up again! How much is in there? Maybe once I get it all out, I'll be better.
PHASE 9: Oh God. I'm dying. Do I have food poisoning? What did I eat? Maybe it's food poisoning and it's not contagious. Maybe I don't have the Devil Gut Virus. I can't have it! Nobody around me has been sick! Oh God please not the DGV. I'll give it to my kids and husband and then I'll have to clean up boatloads of puke.
PHASE 10: OH NO! I'm gonna shit my pants!!!! I gotta get to the toilet!!!! Whew, that was close. Okay, I think that's all out of me from everywhere. I should be good now.
PHASE 11: I have the Devil Gut Virus. FML.
PHASE 12: Maybe it'll be over really quick. I'll fight it off quick. It's usually only a day or two, maybe I got a mild case. I put 12 hours in. Maybe I'm done now.
PHASE 13: I'M GONNA DIE. I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE ON MY BATHROOM FLOOR...HALF NAKED.... Like Elvis.
PHASE 14: I swear God, if you make this stop I'll be a changed person. I will live with only a kind and grateful heart. No more getting disgusted with your humans that you made. I promise.
PHASE 15: Oh praise Christ my Savior. It's over! I'm healed. Oh thank you God! Thank You!!!
PHASE 16: I can't believe I just spend the last two days on the bathroom floor like a New York cockroach. For fucks sake, it's already Friday. I lost part of my life puking up my vital organs. All because suck ass disgusting hog beasts can't wash their damn hands! I hate people. Don't they know my babies can get this now?! All because people can't take simple hygiene measures. Dirty bastards!
My best friend Di.
Photographer for the Flu Shoot.
MY EPIC FAILURE IN A PORTA-JOHN